Possibility of Love

Love for me has never been simple or easy to swallow or accept. I think this is one of the major accomplishments in life that i wll be experiencing as i move forward. I meet so many people who crave love but in other forms, most of all being acceptance.

I love myself, openly, honestly and truly. I know what i am capable of - my dark side and my light side. I totally accept these with an open heart, so therefore i love myself unconditionally. That doesn't mean that i don't have days where i cry and spend time in bed eating chocolate. But when these days of personal reflection and yearning occur, i love myself enough to honor these feelings and encourage their flow. There is nothing wrong with having a bad day.

Love for another is far more difficult for me though, and i am talking about truly realising that the possibility of love is there within reach. How scary! To think that the past could come and haunt me, by opening up to another person. But today i've realised that vulnerability is the only way to heal the wounds of love. I think you truly love someone when you accept them unconditionally (and this goes for our children as well) warts and all.....but also allow them the chance to accept or reject you. You really have to put your heart on the line.

Today i rang my brother and reconciled with him after we had some differences of opinion a few months ago. For him to understand and accept me I had to open myself up to him, allow him the opportunity to hear where i am, how i feel. I also had the chance to hear his story. I feel now that we can feel love for eachother openly, though we live in completely different worlds. I had to forgive not only him but myself and those who had hurt me before too.

It seems that people wait for someone special (a partner) to come into their lives to fill a hole. A black hole of hurt or emptyiness, where we gave a part of ourselves to somebody else through love. An example of this is me and my birth father. I never knew him, but i did know that i loved him and that oneday i would need him to love me back. I had a hole so big that i would love anybody who could fill that hole.

When my dad didnt want to see me or my son, i had a choice. I could either get upset that i was rejected or accept the fact that he doesn't know me and our lives were never entwined together. He didnt have to love someone he had never really met, even if we were biologically related. I decided to forgive and forget and let him go. The fantasy i had of fatherly love wasnt to be found with him - or with the boyfriends I desperately grabbed onto for a time.

Since then i've realised that all the love i needed was within me...all along! I could give myself anything i desired, i could take care of myself through the father within me. I was the only one who knew what was best for me. Since then i have felt a sense of belonging, love and balance like never before.

I think i am capable of love now. I am not needy for it, I wouldnt do anything to get it...as i already have it in abundant supply. But to kiss someone and touch them and show them love... is something so special and unique...rare even. No drama, no barriers, no limit, no time, no inhibitions... a love that lasts beyond the physical everyday. To experience that with not only my son but a man also would be a dream come true. To be cherished entirely and wholly by someone is a possibility now, now that i cherish myself wholly and entirely first.

To experience love in its highest form it is necessary to see the soul mate within me. I have a feminine side and a masculine side. Since i am female i was taught by society and parents to adopt the feminine only. I could only love myself when i discovered my partner within me and reunite them. Now my feminine (compassion, care and nuturing) can love my masculine (truth, integrity, discernment) and i feel whole. No need for someone to come into my life and teach me lessons about myself.....

Instead i can make space for the possibility of someone sharing their whole self with me - in a world where fantasy can be real and where peace is reigning supreme. Most of all I know i will still be myself.